Sick, Sick, Sick

I’ve been sick for the last week.  I hate it.  I don’t know what it was before, though I’m inclined to say it was a sinus infection, but it’s now bronchitis, so that’s fun.  I don’t remember ever having bronchitis, and I’d like to think that if I’d ever had, I’d remember it vividly, because it sucks something awful.  

So, I’ve been in bed for most of the week.  I slept through a few days of it though.  Then we had a basketball game last weekend.  I wasn’t going to go, but I felt the team needed me, so I went and played.  I’m pretty certain it made my condition worse, but I don’t blame anyone.  I’m glad I got to get out of the house and do something.  Then we had practice Monday and since I was feeling better, I went to that.  Other than that, I’ve been on the couch all week.  

Since I’ve had next to nothing to do, I’ve been working more on my friend’s baby shower.  It’s weird planning a shower for someone who barely talks to me.  But, she deserves a shower, and who am I to deny her that.  Plus, I do catch her off guard sometimes and she says something, so that’s progress at least.  I just wonder how long it’s going to be like this.  Anyways, back to the shower.  I’ve been putting a lot of time and money into it, and I’m really hoping that it turns out well.  I had already bought a lot of stuff for it before our falling-out, like the invitations and some of the decorations, so at least all of that was already done.  Now it’s on to the actual planning and the smaller details.  I’ve got several plans and tons of ideas to make it special, so I’m hoping that it all pulls together to make a great shower.  I pretty much stay on the internet all day looking for more ideas and ways to make everything happen.  It’s an advantage to being sick and laying on the couch all day long.  

John has avoided catching my sickness and I’m glad for that.  I’m not contagious, but to be in such close proximity for so long is still scary.  I wouldn’t wish this crap on anyone really.  It sucks.  It really sucks for John because I haven’t cooked dinner in a week.  He cooked some soup for a couple of days and then after that it’s been little knick knacks here and there.  Speaking of which, I’ve lost a lot of weight being sick, too.  At least it’s a jumpstart for when I feel better… I can get back to exercising and everything, maintain my weight and even lose more.  See… there’s one good thing about being sick.  But that’s it.  Okay, back to resting.

Basketball Weekend

Some friends of mine decided to go to Ireland for the weekend and invited my husband and me to go, along with some other people.  I wanted to go, but I had committed myself to basketball this weekend.  Also, I had some hope that this weekend would make things better with my other friends.  So my husband decided to go on to Dublin, since he’s never been.  I was happy to hear that he wanted to go and I was even happier that he actually went.  I really did want to go with him, but I decided to stay behind and try to get things right with my people.  So I was in Stuttgart all weekend playing in a basketball tournament.  

The tournament itself kind of sucked because we lost 2 out of 3 games.  I had been weak all week long and this weekend was no exception.  My body is still trying to recover from last weekend.  During the second game, I messed up my ankle.  I don’t know if you’ve ever walked or run on a jacked-up ankle, but let me tell you that it hurts like crazy.  It tweaked again in the third game and it felt awful.  On top of that, I was beat up, pushed around, took a couple of charges, made a few dives, and at some point, was run into with an elbow to the stomach which knocked the breath out of me.  I almost cried.  If I could have breathed, I probably would have.  Luckily there were only a few seconds left in the game when that happened, so I played through.  We won that game by one point.  It wasn’t a sweet victory for me because I didn’t play as well as I should have offensively.  Plus after the game ended, everything wanted to hurt at the same time.  

I left early this morning so that I could get home and rest some more.  My body needs it.

I’m still kickin’

It’s been a few days now, since the shit hit the fan in my world.  I had my breakdown and I broke all the way down.  I feel much more at ease with everything and that fact alone makes me feel better.  I’ve also gotten to see out another problem that was completely under the surface that I didn’t even know was an issue.  Funny because it was the source of some other problems.  It was incredible that this happened because so many things have been brought to light for me.  It’s like my eyes have been opened.  How I did not see it all, I don’t know.  But I do now.

Since the last post, I called my best friend to explain and apologize, but she wasn’t ready to talk.  I called the other two and I think I got my point across and they seem to at least understand my actions, which is all I can ask for after my behavior.  The bottom line is that I was hurt and I took it out on the world.  And because they are such a big part of that world, it made everything bad.  

I’ve tried to contact my best friend several times.  I’ve been torn over what to do actually… whether to leave her alone altogether or to make an effort to talk to her… I don’t want to come off as pushy, but I’m more afraid of coming off like I don’t care that she’s not talking to me.  I think I’ve done as much as I can at this point.  It’s time to wait and see what happens.  

Since it’s in my nature to see something good in every bad situation (the exception being this past weekend of course), I’m seriously happy that all of the issues are over and done with.  I figure it was something that needed to happen… the breakdown I mean.  Well, not that I think everything should end in a breakdown… in fact, I know that the reason it happened is because I didn’t deal with things as I should have.  Putting things off and assuming everything is over is a bad idea.  It comes back eventually for you to deal with, and probably at a bad time like last weekend and along with 10 other issues that you’ve been putting off, too.  I’m saying that I’m glad that it happened because I finally dealt with it.  

I’ve had plenty of time to think about things and work out a lot of my thought processes and why I had them.  I had the chance to connect two separate issues that I had no idea were related.  And as soon as I connected the two, they both were immediately better.  Seriously.  Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before now.  This has been months in the making. Months.  

In other news, I’m getting more excited about my new job… assuming I got it.  I’m still a little afraid about jinxing it by celebrating too early, so I’m keeping it quiet.  But honestly, I’m pretty excited on the inside.  Also, I had bought a bunch of new clothes for the job and they all came in the mail today, which heightened my excitement.  I tried them all on and modeled them around.  And…  if it couldn’t get any better, I weighed myself for the first time in forever and I’ve lost about 14 lbs a short period of time, so all of the clothes I got in the mail fit so much better, even brand new.  I had been stuck at 150 for so long, and then I moved back up to 157 again and stayed there.  Now I’m finally under 145!   And, to add on to that, I bought an awesome $300 softball bat for $75!  What a deal!  

It seems that just as a bunch of bad things can come at me all at once to break me down, the same can happen with good things to make the world a wonderful place.  Now if we can just get through this next basketball tournament and beat the shit out of Wiesbaden… I have a vendetta against them.  lol

Ex-communication

It’s Day 3 of my crisis.  I will admit that I do feel a lot better.  Last night was a doozy though.  I wasn’t seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and that is a scary thought.  Things were worsened when I figured out my friends had ex-communicated me.  As bad as I was hurting, I still wanted them around.  Or at least one of them.  I don’t know that I could talk in detail about it to anyone else.  So the fact that I reached out to them and they ignored me, well, hurts.  

I finally got the nerve to call the US and find someone there.  It’s not the same as having someone with you, but it had to do.  I have noone else.  I got a lot of it off my chest and did my share of crying into the phone.  I felt better, even though I wouldn’t say everything was okay.  At least I could see a light.  At least I could say that this problem isn’t forever and it will go away.  

I stayed up until after 5am this morning. Though everything was better, it still wasn’t enough to let me sleep.  I finally crashed out and woke up in the afternoon.  Still no response from those friends.  I’m still ex-communicated.  

It darkens my tunnel.

There’s a part of me that still wants to let her know what was going on… a part that still wants to share it with her.  That part still needs her friend, no matter how many people she can get to hate me or how many times she stands me up.  That part of me still loves her.  Then there’s the other part of me that wants to say screw it.  This part is still angry and believes she is proving herself a fair-weather friend.    This part doesn’t want her to know anything more about my personal life and wonders if what she already knows is too much.  

Both parts are crying.  This stupid tunnel just got longer and… dammit, who turned out the light again?

Fast-forward to February

Do you know that I’ve been having the hardest time lately?  I’ve had so many things on my mind.  Not even my own stuff, but the heartaches of others, too, and it just breaks my heart.  I recently was told that a friend of mine had been through some tragic hardships in her life, and it just brought back my own past.  I feel terrible for her because she’s a good person who would have never deserved this kind of crap… not that anyone ever deserves stupid stuff like that… but it caused my own similar experiences to resurface, which has had me going insane for the past couple of days.  

Maybe I didn’t deal with it as well as I thought I had.  Or maybe its just a sucky situation and everytime I find out someone close to me has had the same experiences, I will do this again.  But I have really had a hard time dealing with it.  Today I was supposed to go out with some friends shopping downtown.  This is a big deal for me because I just got a new job and I need some new clothes.  But I really couldn’t get myself to be comfortable being around other people today.  I let them know I wouldn’t be joining them.  

The funny thing is that there was an issue yesterday… my best friend… my absolute favorite person to be around, who has been talking to me less to hang out with a new friend of hers… stood me up yesterday to hang out with this girl.  She didn’t even apologize for it.  And man, I could have really used her yesterday.  Of all the days to stand me up, it had to be yesterday.  I spent a lot of the day crying and in my own little world, a lot of my old buried issues making appearances in my head.  I needed someone to just sit in the same room with me, but she never called.  Never texted. I waited for her, just so I could have someone to talk to.  She wasn’t there.  And then when I ran into her at the bank, she told me she was waiting on her friend.  I didn’t even know what to think.  I was mad and I wanted to cry at the same time.  She forced herself around me for a few minutes while I walked around the PX but all I wanted to do was be alone.  I could only think about how much I’ve needed a friend all day, and she didn’t call when she said she would, and is here with other plans when I needed her so much more.  It was hard enough keeping a straight face when I talked to the people that had just hired me, I couldn’t handle talking to her.

I told people that asked that I was pissed bc she stood me up.  That was partly right.  But then again, I didn’t feel in the mood to go explaining all of it to them.  I am more disappointed that she stood me up in my time of need.  But I will admit, that being stood up at all sucks.  Also to be stood up so she could hang with this girl that has been the reason my best friend doesn’t talk to me as much anymore… this all was piling up.  

After the shopping trip that I was supposed to be on was over, we were supposed to play basketball.  That wasn’t something I wanted to do either.  I wasn’t in any control of my emotions at all.  I was crying ever other minute… or at least tears would well up at random times.  Then I would feel a fury that was almost scary.  I just couldn’t stop it.  I wanted to run on the treadmill just to get it out.  So I waited an hour after they were supposed to be playing ball.  I wanted to just go straight to the treadmills and not bother playing with them.  But one of them texted me while I was on my way, so I made an appearance, confident that I could keep myself in check for a little while.  Then it turned out that they needed me to make an even team.  I knew no good would come of it.  And none did, as far as I’m concerned.  I found myself fighting back tears even during a play.  I was holding my breath just to stop it.  I dont know that I said 5 words during the whole thing.  Even afterwards, I didn’t feel relief… only more anger and hurt.  Because they both were there.  And seeing them talking and laughing together only reminded me of how alone I felt and how I needed my friend and she wasn’t there.  

I even took it out on another friend of mine that didn’t nothing at all.  Not on purpose.  It’s just that I again was having massive problems controlling my emotions.  I got so close to crying on the court so many times… it was horrible.  It was all I could do to finish the damn game.  Then I wanted to go on and run like I’d planned, but my best friend interrupted that, too, and so my running was over.  

I’ve never felt so bottled up in my life.  I haven’t even had a real chance to celebrate getting a new job.  Nothing.

I even texted a couple of them to say I’m sorry and to explain that I have some stuff going on… no response.  I’ve been waiting on the best friend to get on her instant messenger so that I can say the same to her.  But I’ve gotten nothing so far.  So while I’m sitting at home by myself, indulging in beer and stuff, I am completely alone again.  What an awesome world I live in.  I really thought that I had a great group of friends around me.  Maybe it’s because I would do anything to help them.. I always assumed that if I needed them, they would be there for me, too.  I was wrong on that.  And now I’m not only still trying to tie up this other issue from my own past, but now I’m now trying to deal with realizing that I’m alone.  

Right now, the world sucks.  Please say that tomorrow will be better.